thisislife.

2011-03-22T22:34:00.000-07:00

I want the same love as you.

I cant wait to come home after a long day and see your face as I walk through the door. I cant wait to travel together, and see what this crazy world has to offer. I cant wait to see the look on my grandparents face when I tell them I've found the person I will be with forever. I cant wait to see my dad shake your hand and him feel secure, and know that you will be able to take care of me long after he's gone. I'm excited to see all the things we will conquer together, and how we will take on all the things life throws at us. I cant wait for our first dinner in our new house, even if its take-out on the living room floor because we don't have furniture yet. I cant wait to raise our children and share the love of Jesus Christ with them. I'm excited to wake up every morning knowing that I'll be the happiest girl in he world. I cant wait to lay in bed, hold your hand and say a prayer with you before I kiss you goodnight and sleep peacefully. I know you will be as close to perfect as they come. I cant wait for us to go out at 2 in the morning, sneak onto a rooftop and talk until the sun comes up. I cant wait to surprise you with breakfast and coffee before we head off to work, or to let you sleep while I check on the crying baby in the room next door. I cant wait to show you how much I love you with hidden sticky notes in your coat pocket, or sweet messages on the mirror. I cant wait to see us both grow, and our relationship with God grow. I know waiting for you is the hardest thing ever, but I also know that the wait will be well worth it. I know we will stay together forever, and we will remain happy. I cant wait for us to meet, if we haven't already, and I cant wait to see the look in your eyes when you tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me. I get goose bumps thinking about it now. I will wait for you. however long it takes. I cant wait to share stories with you that I've never told anyone before. I'm warning you now, I'm a goober, and I give you permission to laugh at any crazy thing I say or do... even if its me tripping in front of a ton of people. I already love you so much, and I don't even know who you are. Let the waiting game begin.

2010-11-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

what would you do on your last day to live? the other day my friend eduardo and i were asking each other a series of questions and this one came up... what would i do my last day on earth? at first i wanted to give the funny answer... buy a life saver, but i knew that this was not the appropriate time. it took me a while to answer this, because its not something i think about very often. so here it goes... if i were to die tomorrow i would write letters to all of my friends and family and tell them how much i love them, so after i passed away they would have something to hold on to, a reminder that i never stopped loving them. i would also bury a box filled with my favorite pictures, trinkets, and a small letter to whoever finds it, to let them know that, that is my little piece of me left behind. I would try to help anyone, and everyone who needed me before i pass. i would get all of my family and friends together to go to the lake for the night. i would want to have the biggest, longest bonfire ever, and have all of us together laughing, sharing stories, and i would tell every one of them how they have impacted my life. i would give away all of my clothes, and possessions to less fortunate people. i would ask for forgiveness for anything i forgot to already, and as the night came to end, as all of my friends and family left, i would sit alone, with a beautiful bonfire in front of me and thank God for everything, good and bad that has happened in my life. i would sit with my eyes closed and take in my last minutes. i would hear every sound, and smell every smell, i would be ready to meet my maker, and praise him with everything in me.

2010-09-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

change.

2.4.89-10.11.06

you showed me what life has to offer, you showed me how to do things on my own, you cared, really cared, you knew the real me, you helped me notice the small things, you taught me that now is my time to live, you told me you loved me, and i knew you meant it, through you, i learned so much. without you, who would i be? although i do miss the long airplane rides with you, us hanging out in the living room with all of our friends, the quick goodbyes because neither of us were really good at that sort of thing, phone calls just to say whats up, cause i knew you were with your friends, the park, the drives, growing up at grandma's, and the everything in between, i know you're proud of me, you know im ok without you. not a day goes by that i dont think of you. not one. you made mistakes, but you were still my big brudder, you were my best friend, my influence. you hurt me, and i couldnt figure out why this happened... you left me, my best friend gone. the one i could talk to about anything, the only one that knew what i was going through, because you were right there beside me. gone? just gone? like that? i wanted one more call, one more hug, just one more plane ride. i wanted another talk, i wanted a goodbye, a see ya later, an i love you... anything. nothing? what do i do now? how could you leave me? how do i go back to school? all your friends will be there... i dont want to deal with that, i shoudlnt have to deal with that. i dont want the stares from every person, i dont want all of our friends talking to me. who do i talk to about this, you're gone? as anger filled my soul i thought i would never be able to get myself back together, it seemed as though when you left, i left too. you were all i had... i wanted you to help me get through high school, i wanted you to show me all the cool places to hang out, you were supposed to harp on the guy that took me to my first date, i wanted you here, i wanted you to be an uncle, a dad, a grandpa, i wanted you to walk me down the isle... how can i get married when the only dream i had of my wedding was the part where you walked with me in between our family, and the lucky guy's family that i would only marry with your approval. you had so much potential. i was rooting for you this entire time, i wanted you to do so good, i wanted you to show everyone up, you wanted to be a dentist or a lawyer remember? i remember. ps-guess who's going to law school? for years i didnt want to forgive you, i couldnt get over this. now that time has passed, and ive broken down my wall i know that this has happened for a reason. you were brought into my life for a reason, and you were taken out of it for a reason. you were in my life to help be my support, to help me get through so many obstacles, to always be there when i needed you, to show me the amount of love one family member could pass on to the other, to share laughs with, to share tears with, to stick with me during our goodbyes each time we had to separate from mom or dad. you left my life to show me how to be strong, to learn from your mistakes, to know how precious and dear life actually is, to force me to grow and get stronger as a person, to be more vulnerable, to keep my faith, and to show the people that i love, that i do in fact love them with my entire being, because you never know if you'll never get to say those 3 most meaningful words again in your life. thank you nickolas brandon gulledge for being the biggest influence in who i am today. you will always have my heart, and i will never go a day without a memory of you in my mind.

i love you.

2010-06-22T23:49:00.000-07:00

i have tried that...

it doesnt work.

i have tried to be the one that just fits in, i have tried to be the one to just take shit from anyone, i have tried to just cover up the hurtful things you say with a smile, i have tried to make mends with you, i have tried to open up to you, i have tried to be the girl you want me to be, i have tried to change everything about me to be noticed by you, i have tried to hold back my tears, i have tried to outshine everyone, i have tried to be 'that girl', i have tried to let you down easy, i have tried to forget about what pisses me off, i have tried to stay true to myself, i have tried to be the best to you, i have tried to open my arms to you, i have tried to be there for you to lean on, i have tried to help you, i have tried to always be remembered, i have tried to do all of this, and none of it has worked...

until now.

i will not conform to what you want me to be, i will not take your shit anymore, i will call you out on the cruel, and hurtful things you say, im done making mends with you, its your turn, you dont have the privilege of being able to know my most strong feelings, i dont care if im the girl you want me to be, i am crazy, weird, different, and definitely awkward, take it or leave it. i will never change another thing about me for anyone but me, i will not hold anything back anymore, i dont have to try to outshine people, i will shine in my own way on my judgement day, i dont mind knowing that i am not the 'cookie-cutter' girl youre looking for, i will no longer let you down easy, i will not let things be forgotten, i will stand up for myself, im no longer going to try to stay true to myself, i will stay true to myself, im not going to try to give you my best, i will give you my best, my arms will always be open, for whenever you need me, i am there for you to lean on, are you there for me? i will help you in any way that i can, and He will remember me.

i will never again be that person.

if, and only if.

2010-03-03T20:10:00.000-08:00

If I were a month, i would be february.

If I were a day of the week, i would be monday.
If I were a time of day, i would be 2 in the morning.

If I were a season, i would be fall.
If I were a planet, i would be jupiter.
If I were a sea animal, i would be an octopus.
If I were a direction, i would be up.
If I were a piece of furniture, i would be the perfect thinking chair.
If I were a liquid, i would be water.
If I were a gemstone, i would be a ruby.
If I were a tree, i would be a willow tree.
If I were a flower, i would be daisy.
If I were a kind of weather, i would be a thunderstorm on a warm summer sunday.
If I were a musical instrument, i would be a violin.
If I were a color, i would be green.

If I were a piece of jewelry, i would me a vintage ring.
If I were a fruit, i would be a blackberry.
If I were a sound, i would be the sound of rain hitting the tin roof of my great grandparents house in arkansas.
If I were an element, i would be oxogen.
If I were a food, i would be the perfect sweet potato.
If I were a place, i would be on a mountain lookout with a skyline, sky full of stars, a sleeping bag, and a bonfire.
If I were a material, i would be that comfy towel you use after a shower at grandma's.

If I were a taste, i would be the taste of a fresh picked strawberry straight from the plant.
If I were a scent, i would be the smell of warm apple pie, and vanilla ice cream.
If I were an object, i would be the bedside lamp that you read with.
If I were a body part, i would be the eyes.

If I were a facial expression, i would be the one where you unexpectedly see yourself in a reflection and you realize your true beauty.
If I were a song, i would be "over the hills and far away" by Led Zeppelin.
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be comfy slippers.

2010-02-17T15:52:00.005-08:00

WHAT IS PERFECTION ANYWAY?

to start this things off, no one is perfect. yep, there i said it. people tend to forget that when anger gets the best of them. this doesnt only pertain to other people, im talking about myself here too. like many people i also miss the summer, the carefree days, the laughter, the long nights just sitting, looking at the stars. everyone sees this side of summer... no problems, no worries, nothing in there way. no one brings up the bad, sad, horrible parts of summer we also went through. just like summer, we tend to forget the upsetting things that happen over time, we put them to the side, and keep them there so they never have to come back to haunt us. just a recap... people fought, ran away from their problems, caused unnecessary drama, and people did things that shouldnt have been done. the point im trying to make is that all this stuff doesnt matter anymore, no one brings it up, no one holds it against you, no one cares. why cant that be used now? why cant people forget about the bad things people may say during the school year like they did in the summer? this is my senior year, and not only have i made the best of it so far, im continuing to make the best of it, no matter what speed bumps get in my way. so for the people i have hurt, im sorry. for the people i havent paid enough attention to, im sorry. for the horrible things i have done to people, im sorry. i honestly dont want my senior year to be ruined from the things people have done or said, including myself here, and instead of making this time in our life stressful, aggravating, or meaningless, can we please make the rest of this time the best time of our lives? we have 4 months until we graduate. i want no split friendships, no heartache, no worries... at all. i want people to be able to forgive, i want myself to forgive, i want apologies to be real, and not just said for connivence, and i want real relationships with people. i want more all-nighters, i want to sit and stare at the stars more often, i want more meaningful, and long conversations about our teenage lives, i want more adventures, i want real friendship... i want real friendship again. we, as a society need to stop making the same mistakes over and over again. i personally have grown so much in the past few days its unreal, literally unreal. i know youre probably thinking... "thats dumb, no one grows remarkably in a few days" but i have. i realized what true friendship is, i noticed not everything you do has to be for a reason, no one has complete control over me except God, i am the maker of my own decisions, and i am the only reason i get let down, not by the actions of other people. i still have a lot to learn, and im working on that everyday. they say you learn something new everyday, and i agree with that 100%. over these past few days i have learned what it means to have, and be a good, true friend. no one is a "perfect" friend, everyone has flaws, everyone messes up, everyone does things they shouldnt do, or says things they shouldnt say, but my part in the process of being a good friend is learning how to get past all of that, forgetting the mistakes, making right the bad things i have done, making sure that this year is unforgettable. making sure this year is remarkable.

2009-09-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

lookalittlebitcloser.

too many people today forget the true meaning of living.

live- to experience or enjoy life to the full: At 40 she was just beginning to live.

why is that people pass up the things that should mean the most to them in life? its been a long time since i have met someone that appreciated life as much as i do. the things that everyone would pass up, i take extra time to look at, the noises that people ignore because they hear them everyday, i embrace because i know they could be gone in a second, the stars in the sky that no one cares about anymore, i care about more than anything. its just crazy to me that no one can just live anymore, just slow everything down, forget about the clock on the wall, set down the cell phone and just purely live. the definition of living is not to get eaten up by our society, to try to one up on every person you come in contact with, nor is it to ignore the beautiful things God has put here for you to appreciate. i guess the reason im ranting and raving about this is because more than anything im tired of walking down my high school hallway and seeing 9/10 of the people cussing, or saying i hate this, i hate that, or gossiping about someone they call their best friend. i wish all of them, or any of them for the sake of this post would take a walk in my shoes and find out that the true beauty, and enjoyment in life is not going and drinking every night, it is not smoking during lunch, and it is not going against the morals you should set for yourself. more than anything i hope and pray that people will learn to enjoy their surroundings, and embrace the true beauty in life before it all goes away. take a step back, slow your life down, and look a little bit closer on how you view your things.

"dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today" ~ james dean.

2009-08-09T23:55:00.000-07:00

when the time comes you will feel it:

the time has come, and i am realizing that this year needs to be epic, i have to cherish every second, make the most of everyday, and remember all of it. i cant believe that this year will be my senior year. im going to really find out who i am, and who all my friends are, and im scared to death. it will be filled with tests, college applications, and lots and lots of fun times... i will make sure of that. there will be many midnight drives, coffee runs, and late nights. i will live more than ever, and i will find out where i want to move to after school. im making the best of it. this summer has been amazing, and i really have taken it for all it was worth. i have found the most amazing people that have changed my life is such a great way, and i have helped people in ways i dont even realize. im so happy i am realizing who i want to become. im still struggling with a few things, but i know with God everything will work out, and i know he will show me where to go. this is it. this is my last yearrrr! i thought my parents were kidding when they told me that this time will fly, but it has. i know with God on my side, my friends here with me, and skype haha i will make it. im filled with fear, excitement, joy.... everything.
ohh but what is to come... it will be the most beautiful sight you have seen so far.

whenthereisnoescapefromreality...

2009-07-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

i never thought the day would come that i would be the girl to put on that fake smile, and tell myself and others everything is ok.... when clearly everything is a disaster. im the kind of girl who helps all who are down, fixes all things that are wrong, and gives advice to the people who need it. i must say that i also never thought the day would come that i needed to take the advice i myself had once given. today i realized that even the girl who thinks she has everything in control, can be completely wrong. why must i compete with people? why do i have to feel like i am second? do i really need this amount of stress on myself? when did you think about me the way i thought about you? has anyone really understood what im about? i do have feelings, i do get stressed, angry, and upset. i laugh, i cry. im just like you, except i dont live my life like a secret. i dont wake up every morning thinking about whos next? which will be my next victim?i can only imagine what goes through peoples heads. i almost feel the need to walk up to you and ask, what the HECKKK are you doing? do you feel the need to make a fool of yourself? do you really want to be remembered this way? 10 years down the road, just remember who was there for you. who saw you cry, who saw you laugh harder than anyone else, who was there to pick you up every second you were down. and you remember who got you to where you are today. i doubt things will change, i dont believe things will get better, but why bother? your a child... what am saying im still a child. i wish things would go the way i planned them in my mind... but they wont. im leaving and as soon as that happens i know i will begin to grow. i will change, make something of myself, i will make all my wildest dreams come true.... what will you be doing? to me it seems like it will be the same stuff different day. im done being here, im done feeling sorry for you. i will no longer stand up for you, make you feel inferior. its time to start growing up. i will make a change... will you?

no title necessary.

2009-07-08T00:02:00.000-07:00

often the best thoughts come to me while driving in the car:
today while taking my 11 hour trip back home from florida i realized what i was coming back to. did i really want to come back to forney texas? of course the better choice would have been to keep this truck in 6th gear, and drive until the gas tank was empty, but theres no way i could have done that... my dad was in the passenger seat. but thats besides the point. all i was coming home to was immature little kids who think they know everything, stupid traffic lights, and busy streets. friends who dont even realize what they have, and people who whine about every little thing. there are the few... correction, [very few] people i care about in this city, and those people i am thankful for, but all i want to do is get away from this place. wouldnt it be the most amazing thing to just pause time for a while... no sound, no people walking, driving, running. everything just stopped except for you? i wish i could just do that, take a leap into the sky and see things from a much more beautiful perspective. anyways, back to the car ride, while im looking out the window, for some reason i started day dreaming about how my future was going to be. i know thats bad since i was driving, but it was so vivid, and full, and beautiful. i had it all. i was living in new york city, i had a nice place... not too big, not too small, nice for the city lifestyle, i was walking down the street with confidence, and i had this stride to me, like i was on top of the world. then all the sudden i heard this big bump, bump, bump. i was driving off the road and those little things on the side of the road... i dont know exactly what they are, but they make a loud noise if you drive over them.... well thanks to them my daydream was over. no more beautiful new york city life, no fully decorated apartment, and no powerful walk. i was in a dodge truck, getting 18.2 miles to the gallon, headed west on 20, back to forney texas. back to the place where i would spend the rest of my summer, my last real summer swimming, being with my friends, and trying to remember how amazing this daydream was. senior year is coming up fast, and im more ready than ever to get this over with so i can make this dream a reality.

why didnt i just keep driving?

2009-06-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

summer is upon us. even though it just started a week ago, so much is going on. i have already been changing just in the 7 days school has been out. i am really starting to figure out what im going to make of life. so many people have opened my eyes to what this world has to offer, and for once i am taking full advantage of that. everything i have wished for has come true, and i have God to thank for that. i am so inspired by the things my friends have been doing lately. just seeing them makes me realize how special my life really is. i cant believe how the friends you make in a year can change you for a lifetime, and i also cant believe that for once, im helping to change someone else's life. this summer is going to be full of life talks, college applications, hard work, lotsss of traveling, and getting people to realize the difference between what they think is good for them, and what is actually good for them. as im sitting here typing this i feel excitement running from my toes to my head. summer 2009, get ready cause im taking everything you got! =]

2009-06-07T22:22:00.000-07:00

as i was walking through the monkey grass leading up to my grandparents back door i realized how much this house has changed me, not really changed... but molded me. i grew up in this place, my brother, my 4 cousins, and me. this is where our adventures took place, this is where i had my first boo boo, where i learned the joy of music, and how to cook the most amazing foods. i had it all at this house, we had games, toys, family, and friends. and i cant believe that after all these years it hasnt changed. i walked in the house today with that same excitement, and little kid feeling as i did when i really was that little kid. there it was, the living room where all 6 kids somehow all slept in, the kitchen where grandma would make a different meal for each kid (because we were all so picky), the piano room, where i found the beauty in music, and all it had to offer, the bedrooms where we played sega, and learned how to sew, and the bathroom, where each and every kid was told not to touch... but we did anyways =] it was so much fun at that house. but as i walked through it today i had a different outlook on this house. i didnt see it as the house where all my dreams came true, i saw it as the house that in 30 years i would go back to and realize that this house was only so special because of the amazing people who lived in it. it wasnt the house at all that molded me into who i was today, it was my grandpa who showed me how to press my first key on the piano, to sing my heart out, and how to take life as it comes. it was my grandma who showed me how to make my first cupcake, how to shop like no tomorrow, and how to cherish every little thing. "these kids will never know how much we love them" my grandparents say or think this everyday. but the truth is i do realize how much they love me. i wouldnt be the person i am today without them. they taught me to love, to listen, and how to make a memory of every second of life. because 30 years from now, your not going to have that big house on Gibbs Williams, or those grandparents to share stories with at 1 in the morning. all your going to have is those memories, and thats whats important.

2009-05-31T16:09:00.000-07:00

to whom this may concern:
i have come to the conclusion that everything in life does in fact happen for a reason. "nothing ever happens the way you want it to honey"~emily fleeman. this girl has talked to me a lot in the past years of knowing her, and even while hating her guts i remembered this one quote. i dont know why, but out of every conversation we have ever had, every life talk, this one line... just that one, stayed in my head forever. i suppose she said it so i would just shut up about all he sad, boring, lame stuff she didnt feel like hearing, but i never thought of it that way. i remember driving home the night she told me that line, and while listeneing to my music i thought about how much she made sense. although nothing ever happens the way you want it to, it always turns out ok in the end. that friend of yours, the one you like so much, instead of trying to get attention 24/, just be happy hes there. i know you think you want him to be your forever, but for now, just be his friend. that college your working ohh so hard to get into, relax. if its meant to be it will happen. ohhh and this life your living, enjoy every single second of it. before too long it will be over, and when that time comes, you will remember the line, "nothing ever happens the way you want it to honey" and you will also remember, that even if its not the way you want it to be, it happened for a reason.
sincerely,
ashley joy gulledge