I want the same love as you.

I cant wait to come home after a long day and see your face as I walk through the door. I cant wait to travel together, and see what this crazy world has to offer. I cant wait to see the look on my grandparents face when I tell them I've found the person I will be with forever. I cant wait to see my dad shake your hand and him feel secure, and know that you will be able to take care of me long after he's gone. I'm excited to see all the things we will conquer together, and how we will take on all the things life throws at us. I cant wait for our first dinner in our new house, even if its take-out on the living room floor because we don't have furniture yet. I cant wait to raise our children and share the love of Jesus Christ with them. I'm excited to wake up every morning knowing that I'll be the happiest girl in he world. I cant wait to lay in bed, hold your hand and say a prayer with you before I kiss you goodnight and sleep peacefully. I know you will be as close to perfect as they come. I cant wait for us to go out at 2 in the morning, sneak onto a rooftop and talk until the sun comes up. I cant wait to surprise you with breakfast and coffee before we head off to work, or to let you sleep while I check on the crying baby in the room next door. I cant wait to show you how much I love you with hidden sticky notes in your coat pocket, or sweet messages on the mirror. I cant wait to see us both grow, and our relationship with God grow. I know waiting for you is the hardest thing ever, but I also know that the wait will be well worth it. I know we will stay together forever, and we will remain happy. I cant wait for us to meet, if we haven't already, and I cant wait to see the look in your eyes when you tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me. I get goose bumps thinking about it now. I will wait for you. however long it takes. I cant wait to share stories with you that I've never told anyone before. I'm warning you now, I'm a goober, and I give you permission to laugh at any crazy thing I say or do... even if its me tripping in front of a ton of people. I already love you so much, and I don't even know who you are. Let the waiting game begin.

what would you do on your last day to live? the other day my friend eduardo and i were asking each other a series of questions and this one came up... what would i do my last day on earth? at first i wanted to give the funny answer... buy a life saver, but i knew that this was not the appropriate time. it took me a while to answer this, because its not something i think about very often. so here it goes... if i were to die tomorrow i would write letters to all of my friends and family and tell them how much i love them, so after i passed away they would have something to hold on to, a reminder that i never stopped loving them. i would also bury a box filled with my favorite pictures, trinkets, and a small letter to whoever finds it, to let them know that, that is my little piece of me left behind. I would try to help anyone, and everyone who needed me before i pass. i would get all of my family and friends together to go to the lake for the night. i would want to have the biggest, longest bonfire ever, and have all of us together laughing, sharing stories, and i would tell every one of them how they have impacted my life. i would give away all of my clothes, and possessions to less fortunate people. i would ask for forgiveness for anything i forgot to already, and as the night came to end, as all of my friends and family left, i would sit alone, with a beautiful bonfire in front of me and thank God for everything, good and bad that has happened in my life. i would sit with my eyes closed and take in my last minutes. i would hear every sound, and smell every smell, i would be ready to meet my maker, and praise him with everything in me.

change.

2.4.89-10.11.06

you showed me what life has to offer, you showed me how to do things on my own, you cared, really cared, you knew the real me, you helped me notice the small things, you taught me that now is my time to live, you told me you loved me, and i knew you meant it, through you, i learned so much. without you, who would i be? although i do miss the long airplane rides with you, us hanging out in the living room with all of our friends, the quick goodbyes because neither of us were really good at that sort of thing, phone calls just to say whats up, cause i knew you were with your friends, the park, the drives, growing up at grandma's, and the everything in between, i know you're proud of me, you know im ok without you. not a day goes by that i dont think of you. not one. you made mistakes, but you were still my big brudder, you were my best friend, my influence. you hurt me, and i couldnt figure out why this happened... you left me, my best friend gone. the one i could talk to about anything, the only one that knew what i was going through, because you were right there beside me. gone? just gone? like that? i wanted one more call, one more hug, just one more plane ride. i wanted another talk, i wanted a goodbye, a see ya later, an i love you... anything. nothing? what do i do now? how could you leave me? how do i go back to school? all your friends will be there... i dont want to deal with that, i shoudlnt have to deal with that. i dont want the stares from every person, i dont want all of our friends talking to me. who do i talk to about this, you're gone? as anger filled my soul i thought i would never be able to get myself back together, it seemed as though when you left, i left too. you were all i had... i wanted you to help me get through high school, i wanted you to show me all the cool places to hang out, you were supposed to harp on the guy that took me to my first date, i wanted you here, i wanted you to be an uncle, a dad, a grandpa, i wanted you to walk me down the isle... how can i get married when the only dream i had of my wedding was the part where you walked with me in between our family, and the lucky guy's family that i would only marry with your approval. you had so much potential. i was rooting for you this entire time, i wanted you to do so good, i wanted you to show everyone up, you wanted to be a dentist or a lawyer remember? i remember. ps-guess who's going to law school? for years i didnt want to forgive you, i couldnt get over this. now that time has passed, and ive broken down my wall i know that this has happened for a reason. you were brought into my life for a reason, and you were taken out of it for a reason. you were in my life to help be my support, to help me get through so many obstacles, to always be there when i needed you, to show me the amount of love one family member could pass on to the other, to share laughs with, to share tears with, to stick with me during our goodbyes each time we had to separate from mom or dad. you left my life to show me how to be strong, to learn from your mistakes, to know how precious and dear life actually is, to force me to grow and get stronger as a person, to be more vulnerable, to keep my faith, and to show the people that i love, that i do in fact love them with my entire being, because you never know if you'll never get to say those 3 most meaningful words again in your life. thank you nickolas brandon gulledge for being the biggest influence in who i am today. you will always have my heart, and i will never go a day without a memory of you in my mind.

i love you.