i have tried that...

it doesnt work.

i have tried to be the one that just fits in, i have tried to be the one to just take shit from anyone, i have tried to just cover up the hurtful things you say with a smile, i have tried to make mends with you, i have tried to open up to you, i have tried to be the girl you want me to be, i have tried to change everything about me to be noticed by you, i have tried to hold back my tears, i have tried to outshine everyone, i have tried to be 'that girl', i have tried to let you down easy, i have tried to forget about what pisses me off, i have tried to stay true to myself, i have tried to be the best to you, i have tried to open my arms to you, i have tried to be there for you to lean on, i have tried to help you, i have tried to always be remembered, i have tried to do all of this, and none of it has worked...

until now.

i will not conform to what you want me to be, i will not take your shit anymore, i will call you out on the cruel, and hurtful things you say, im done making mends with you, its your turn, you dont have the privilege of being able to know my most strong feelings, i dont care if im the girl you want me to be, i am crazy, weird, different, and definitely awkward, take it or leave it. i will never change another thing about me for anyone but me, i will not hold anything back anymore, i dont have to try to outshine people, i will shine in my own way on my judgement day, i dont mind knowing that i am not the 'cookie-cutter' girl youre looking for, i will no longer let you down easy, i will not let things be forgotten, i will stand up for myself, im no longer going to try to stay true to myself, i will stay true to myself, im not going to try to give you my best, i will give you my best, my arms will always be open, for whenever you need me, i am there for you to lean on, are you there for me? i will help you in any way that i can, and He will remember me.

i will never again be that person.

if, and only if.

If I were a month, i would be february.

If I were a day of the week, i would be monday.
If I were a time of day, i would be 2 in the morning.

If I were a season, i would be fall.
If I were a planet, i would be jupiter.
If I were a sea animal, i would be an octopus.
If I were a direction, i would be up.
If I were a piece of furniture, i would be the perfect thinking chair.
If I were a liquid, i would be water.
If I were a gemstone, i would be a ruby.
If I were a tree, i would be a willow tree.
If I were a flower, i would be daisy.
If I were a kind of weather, i would be a thunderstorm on a warm summer sunday.
If I were a musical instrument, i would be a violin.
If I were a color, i would be green.

If I were a piece of jewelry, i would me a vintage ring.
If I were a fruit, i would be a blackberry.
If I were a sound, i would be the sound of rain hitting the tin roof of my great grandparents house in arkansas.
If I were an element, i would be oxogen.
If I were a food, i would be the perfect sweet potato.
If I were a place, i would be on a mountain lookout with a skyline, sky full of stars, a sleeping bag, and a bonfire.
If I were a material, i would be that comfy towel you use after a shower at grandma's.

If I were a taste, i would be the taste of a fresh picked strawberry straight from the plant.
If I were a scent, i would be the smell of warm apple pie, and vanilla ice cream.
If I were an object, i would be the bedside lamp that you read with.
If I were a body part, i would be the eyes.

If I were a facial expression, i would be the one where you unexpectedly see yourself in a reflection and you realize your true beauty.
If I were a song, i would be "over the hills and far away" by Led Zeppelin.
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be comfy slippers.

WHAT IS PERFECTION ANYWAY?

to start this things off, no one is perfect. yep, there i said it. people tend to forget that when anger gets the best of them. this doesnt only pertain to other people, im talking about myself here too. like many people i also miss the summer, the carefree days, the laughter, the long nights just sitting, looking at the stars. everyone sees this side of summer... no problems, no worries, nothing in there way. no one brings up the bad, sad, horrible parts of summer we also went through. just like summer, we tend to forget the upsetting things that happen over time, we put them to the side, and keep them there so they never have to come back to haunt us. just a recap... people fought, ran away from their problems, caused unnecessary drama, and people did things that shouldnt have been done. the point im trying to make is that all this stuff doesnt matter anymore, no one brings it up, no one holds it against you, no one cares. why cant that be used now? why cant people forget about the bad things people may say during the school year like they did in the summer? this is my senior year, and not only have i made the best of it so far, im continuing to make the best of it, no matter what speed bumps get in my way. so for the people i have hurt, im sorry. for the people i havent paid enough attention to, im sorry. for the horrible things i have done to people, im sorry. i honestly dont want my senior year to be ruined from the things people have done or said, including myself here, and instead of making this time in our life stressful, aggravating, or meaningless, can we please make the rest of this time the best time of our lives? we have 4 months until we graduate. i want no split friendships, no heartache, no worries... at all. i want people to be able to forgive, i want myself to forgive, i want apologies to be real, and not just said for connivence, and i want real relationships with people. i want more all-nighters, i want to sit and stare at the stars more often, i want more meaningful, and long conversations about our teenage lives, i want more adventures, i want real friendship... i want real friendship again. we, as a society need to stop making the same mistakes over and over again. i personally have grown so much in the past few days its unreal, literally unreal. i know youre probably thinking... "thats dumb, no one grows remarkably in a few days" but i have. i realized what true friendship is, i noticed not everything you do has to be for a reason, no one has complete control over me except God, i am the maker of my own decisions, and i am the only reason i get let down, not by the actions of other people. i still have a lot to learn, and im working on that everyday. they say you learn something new everyday, and i agree with that 100%. over these past few days i have learned what it means to have, and be a good, true friend. no one is a "perfect" friend, everyone has flaws, everyone messes up, everyone does things they shouldnt do, or says things they shouldnt say, but my part in the process of being a good friend is learning how to get past all of that, forgetting the mistakes, making right the bad things i have done, making sure that this year is unforgettable. making sure this year is remarkable.