whenthereisnoescapefromreality...

i never thought the day would come that i would be the girl to put on that fake smile, and tell myself and others everything is ok.... when clearly everything is a disaster. im the kind of girl who helps all who are down, fixes all things that are wrong, and gives advice to the people who need it. i must say that i also never thought the day would come that i needed to take the advice i myself had once given. today i realized that even the girl who thinks she has everything in control, can be completely wrong. why must i compete with people? why do i have to feel like i am second? do i really need this amount of stress on myself? when did you think about me the way i thought about you? has anyone really understood what im about? i do have feelings, i do get stressed, angry, and upset. i laugh, i cry. im just like you, except i dont live my life like a secret. i dont wake up every morning thinking about whos next? which will be my next victim?i can only imagine what goes through peoples heads. i almost feel the need to walk up to you and ask, what the HECKKK are you doing? do you feel the need to make a fool of yourself? do you really want to be remembered this way? 10 years down the road, just remember who was there for you. who saw you cry, who saw you laugh harder than anyone else, who was there to pick you up every second you were down. and you remember who got you to where you are today. i doubt things will change, i dont believe things will get better, but why bother? your a child... what am saying im still a child. i wish things would go the way i planned them in my mind... but they wont. im leaving and as soon as that happens i know i will begin to grow. i will change, make something of myself, i will make all my wildest dreams come true.... what will you be doing? to me it seems like it will be the same stuff different day. im done being here, im done feeling sorry for you. i will no longer stand up for you, make you feel inferior. its time to start growing up. i will make a change... will you?

no title necessary.

often the best thoughts come to me while driving in the car:
today while taking my 11 hour trip back home from florida i realized what i was coming back to. did i really want to come back to forney texas? of course the better choice would have been to keep this truck in 6th gear, and drive until the gas tank was empty, but theres no way i could have done that... my dad was in the passenger seat. but thats besides the point. all i was coming home to was immature little kids who think they know everything, stupid traffic lights, and busy streets. friends who dont even realize what they have, and people who whine about every little thing. there are the few... correction, [very few] people i care about in this city, and those people i am thankful for, but all i want to do is get away from this place. wouldnt it be the most amazing thing to just pause time for a while... no sound, no people walking, driving, running. everything just stopped except for you? i wish i could just do that, take a leap into the sky and see things from a much more beautiful perspective. anyways, back to the car ride, while im looking out the window, for some reason i started day dreaming about how my future was going to be. i know thats bad since i was driving, but it was so vivid, and full, and beautiful. i had it all. i was living in new york city, i had a nice place... not too big, not too small, nice for the city lifestyle, i was walking down the street with confidence, and i had this stride to me, like i was on top of the world. then all the sudden i heard this big bump, bump, bump. i was driving off the road and those little things on the side of the road... i dont know exactly what they are, but they make a loud noise if you drive over them.... well thanks to them my daydream was over. no more beautiful new york city life, no fully decorated apartment, and no powerful walk. i was in a dodge truck, getting 18.2 miles to the gallon, headed west on 20, back to forney texas. back to the place where i would spend the rest of my summer, my last real summer swimming, being with my friends, and trying to remember how amazing this daydream was. senior year is coming up fast, and im more ready than ever to get this over with so i can make this dream a reality.


why didnt i just keep driving?