change.

2.4.89-10.11.06

you showed me what life has to offer, you showed me how to do things on my own, you cared, really cared, you knew the real me, you helped me notice the small things, you taught me that now is my time to live, you told me you loved me, and i knew you meant it, through you, i learned so much. without you, who would i be? although i do miss the long airplane rides with you, us hanging out in the living room with all of our friends, the quick goodbyes because neither of us were really good at that sort of thing, phone calls just to say whats up, cause i knew you were with your friends, the park, the drives, growing up at grandma's, and the everything in between, i know you're proud of me, you know im ok without you. not a day goes by that i dont think of you. not one. you made mistakes, but you were still my big brudder, you were my best friend, my influence. you hurt me, and i couldnt figure out why this happened... you left me, my best friend gone. the one i could talk to about anything, the only one that knew what i was going through, because you were right there beside me. gone? just gone? like that? i wanted one more call, one more hug, just one more plane ride. i wanted another talk, i wanted a goodbye, a see ya later, an i love you... anything. nothing? what do i do now? how could you leave me? how do i go back to school? all your friends will be there... i dont want to deal with that, i shoudlnt have to deal with that. i dont want the stares from every person, i dont want all of our friends talking to me. who do i talk to about this, you're gone? as anger filled my soul i thought i would never be able to get myself back together, it seemed as though when you left, i left too. you were all i had... i wanted you to help me get through high school, i wanted you to show me all the cool places to hang out, you were supposed to harp on the guy that took me to my first date, i wanted you here, i wanted you to be an uncle, a dad, a grandpa, i wanted you to walk me down the isle... how can i get married when the only dream i had of my wedding was the part where you walked with me in between our family, and the lucky guy's family that i would only marry with your approval. you had so much potential. i was rooting for you this entire time, i wanted you to do so good, i wanted you to show everyone up, you wanted to be a dentist or a lawyer remember? i remember. ps-guess who's going to law school? for years i didnt want to forgive you, i couldnt get over this. now that time has passed, and ive broken down my wall i know that this has happened for a reason. you were brought into my life for a reason, and you were taken out of it for a reason. you were in my life to help be my support, to help me get through so many obstacles, to always be there when i needed you, to show me the amount of love one family member could pass on to the other, to share laughs with, to share tears with, to stick with me during our goodbyes each time we had to separate from mom or dad. you left my life to show me how to be strong, to learn from your mistakes, to know how precious and dear life actually is, to force me to grow and get stronger as a person, to be more vulnerable, to keep my faith, and to show the people that i love, that i do in fact love them with my entire being, because you never know if you'll never get to say those 3 most meaningful words again in your life. thank you nickolas brandon gulledge for being the biggest influence in who i am today. you will always have my heart, and i will never go a day without a memory of you in my mind.

i love you.